Urban Dictionary
by angelofthequeers
Summary: In which Charlie learns why Dean and Urban Dictionary don't mix and why she should keep Sam away from the alcohol. Oh and she really should invest in soundproof walls for the bunker, or at least a set of earplugs. Large bit of angst in it but total crack at the end.
**Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.**

 **So this idea came to me randomly and I just had to turn it into a oneshot. I** _ **had**_ **to. It wouldn't leave me alone until I did. I did leave out the bit about Purgatory (even though it was the most beautiful part!) because in this 'verse, the books only went up to the end of S5, so there's no possible way the fans could know about it. But everything else… XD**

 **(Also this was meant to be crack but it turned into angst I'm so sorry apparently I'm incapable of writing without angst)**

"I _told_ you so!" Charlie said gleefully. Dean pretended not to notice her and Sam giggling over something on Sam's laptop, knowing that if he was to ask what it was then he'd most likely regret it. Instead, he turned to Cas and started when he saw the angel staring at him.

"God, Cas! What did I say about the creepy staring?" he hissed. Just because Cas had been doing it for years didn't make it any less startling!

"My apologies."

Cas looked away, leaving Dean with a weird plummeting feeling in his stomach. Okay, what the hell was going on? Why was he suddenly having these weird, more-than-friendly feelings towards Cas? (Okay, if he was totally honest, it wasn't really that sudden). He was a man! He liked chicks with big boobs and soft curves and long, toned legs! Not guys with sharp lines and stubbled cheeks and dark, messy hair and piercing blue eyes and annoying trench coats that he often wanted to rip open so he could see –

' _Okay, stopping right there!'_ Dean told himself firmly, shaking his head. To distract himself, he made the very decision that he'd sworn he wouldn't make.

"What the hell are you two ladies giggling about?" he said grumpily. The evil grin that Sam gave him told him that his little brother had just been waiting for him to ask.

"Charlie found something really interesting online," Sam said gleefully. "And she just _had_ to show me."

"I know I'm gonna regret this but what'd she show you that's turned you into a chick?"

"Okay, so there's this site called _Urban Dictionary_ ," Charlie began, her eyes shining. "It's 'A veritable cornucopia of streetwise lingo, posted and defined by its readers'."

"Okay. And?"

" _And_ I was browsing it the other night and stumbled across an entry called 'The Greatest Love Story Ever Told'."

A bad feeling was beginning to niggle at Dean's gut.

"Go on. Lay it on me."

The words that came out of Sam's mouth made him freeze in horror.

"'The story of a man afraid of flying, and an angel afraid of falling, who somehow met in the middle. The man who denied the existence of angels came to love one. The angel who never felt began to feel. The man who was saved from an eternity in Hell by an angel. The angel who fell in every way imaginable for a man. The angel rejected his faith, his family, his home, and everything he knew, so he could keep the man safe. They stay together despite fate, despite what they are, because they refuse to be pulled apart.'"

Silence fell on the room. Dean swallowed heavily and avoided Cas' eyes, though he could feel the angel's piercing gaze on him.

"This has gone too far!" he snapped. "Okay, so I joked around about this 'Destiel' crap back at that play but this? A whole freaking definition? 'The Greatest Love Story Ever Told'? I'm not gay! I'm not gay and I'm not into guy angels! Especially not Cas! I don't love him! I don't like him! Got that?"

The satisfaction from his rant only lasted for the two seconds it took before a cold mask of indifference settled on Cas' face.

"Yes, Dean," he said icily. "I 'got that'."

Before Dean could say anything, Cas stood up and stiffly left the room. The atmosphere he left behind was so thick that it could have been cut with a butter knife.

"Fantastic," Dean snarled. "Now he's pissed and it's all your fault. I told you to give the Destiel crap a rest!"

"How is it our fault?" Sam said, crossing his arms. "We're not the ones who pretty much crushed the angel who's in love with us."

"Well, he should be able to take it, shouldn't he? Life's not a fairy tale! I'm not gonna magically love him back just because he 'apparently' has feelings for me?"

"Okay, for one, those air quotes are unnecessary," Charlie said. "Trust me, I could feel them like they'd just slapped me in the face. He doesn't 'apparently' have feelings for you, Dean. He's been head over heels for you for _ages_."

"How would you know? You never even knew him before."

"Well, I could tell just from that. If he really didn't have feelings for you, he wouldn't have been so hurt over that rant of yours because he knows that you were just talking about your romantic feelings for him.

"I don't –"

"And Sam's ranted to me a lot about how neither of you will 'get your heads out of your asses'. Mind you, he's been pretty objective about it but even I have to agree that staring into each other's eyes isn't exactly the most platonic thing to do. Also, I've read Carver Edlund's books."

"Yeah? What's ol' Chuck said about us?"

"Oh, _he_ hasn't said anything. But when a douchebag angel called Uriel says that you're his weakness? When you use Thelma and Louise as an analogy? When you say that Bert and Ernie are gay and then say that Cas isn't gonna die a virgin in the very next line? Dude, that's only three examples!"

Dean wanted to look away from the ranting girl that was his sister in all but blood but he couldn't.

"There's so much subtext there that it's not funny! I can recite a whole _list_ of quotes!"

"Please don't."

"'I'm hunted, I rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you.'; 'I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You.'; 'Not for nothing but the last person who looked at me like that? I got laid.'; 'Blow me, Cas'. That's just four quotes!"

"Charlie –"

"And that's only the stuff that's in the books," Sam interrupted. "What about Cas saying that you two have a 'more profound bond'? What about the fact that he snapped out of Naomi's brainwashing for you? And you told him that you need him! Dude, that's as close as you've ever gotten to telling someone that you love them!"

"Just give it a rest!" Dean shouted. "Can't a guy do all that for his friend?"

"Sure. His 'friend'," Sam said waspishly. "Except that Cas never says that sort of stuff to me. Nobody ever writes plays around me and Cas. Nobody ever comments on how he's my 'boyfriend' or how 'I'm his weakness'. We never stare into each other's eyes like you do. Why won't you just admit it?"

"Because I can't!" Dean finally burst out.

"You mean you won't."

"No, I can't! Because everybody I've ever loved? They die! Even you've died, Sam! Multiple times! Cas has died! And it's only a matter of time before something happens to Charlie because the people I love never last! You want me to write you a list of everyone who's died because of me?"

"Dean, people die because our lives are crap!" Sam said. "They don't die because you love them!"

"They still die 'cause of our lives!"

"No, they die because the world is a shit place! They die because monsters kill them! Do you know how long it's taken me to get this and stop feeling guilty every day when I wake up and wonder why I'm still alive and they're dead? Hell, I've got just as much right to feel that way as you! Everyone I sleep with and love dies, Dean! Jess, Madison, Ruby, Sarah…Mom died because of me and the fact that I was _born_! I'm the reason our lives are so crappy! Me and my damn demon blood!"

"Cut it out, Sam! It's not your fault that they're dead! Shit happens!"

Dean immediately wished he hadn't spoken when Sam levelled him with a triumphant look.

"Then get your head out of your ass, Dean, and accept that 'shit happens' and you're not the reason everyone's dead! Why can't you let yourself be happy for once?"

At this point, Dean was too riled up to regulate what was slipping out of his mouth.

"Because I don't deserve it!"

The very room seemed to freeze.

"Dean –" Charlie began.

"I don't deserve it! After all of the crap I've done, my hands are _dripping_ in blood! You really think I deserve Cas? He doesn't need me dragging him down!"

Before Dean could do anything, his face was full of red hair and his arms with Charlie's slim body as she tried her hardest to crush him to death.

"You are so annoying!" she growled. "You're a hero, Dean! You've saved so many people and dammit, you deserve to be happy for once! And don't you think that Cas should get to decide for himself? Or he is just some trophy angel that you can boss around and decide what he does?"

"What?" Dean spluttered. "No! Cas is awesome and badass! I just think –"

"What? That he can decide everything for himself but he's not allowed to be with you? Do I need to slap you, Dean?"

Dean glowered down at Charlie.

"You're a bitch."

"Thank you!" Charlie beamed brilliantly. "Honestly, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!"

Dean rolled his eyes.

"Okay, so you've accepted your totally gay love. Now go get him!"

"There's a whole room just full of weapons in this place," Dean warned. Charlie smirked and returned to her laptop, so Dean steeled himself and hurried towards the hallway that Cas had disappeared down before he could lose his nerve. As he entered it, somebody took him by the arm and whirled him around and his stomach jolted when he saw that it was Cas, whose face was stormy.

"Did you mean everything that you said?" he demanded. When Dean wordlessly nodded, Cas grabbed the front of his shirt and slammed him into the wall behind him. Dean refused to admit that he was starting to feel a little turned on at the rough manhandling.

"How dare you, Dean Winchester?" Cas hissed. "How dare you presume to know what is good for me? How dare you decide that I should not be hurt at your rejection just because you think that you don't deserve me?"

Dean stared, wide-eyed, at the furious face in front of him.

"Cas –"

Before he could continue, Cas swooped forward and angrily pressed his lips to Dean's. Letting out a small, surprised sound, Dean tangled his fingers in Cas' hair and pulled him closer, his heart pumping liquid fire around his body. How could he have fought this for so long? Dammit, how could he hurt Cas like that?

"'M sorry," he panted when Cas pulled away. "I messed up."

Cas' face didn't soften but he let go of Dean's shirt with one hand to reach up and caress his cheek.

"I fell for free will. And you thought to take that from me? To decide that my feelings were invalid just because of yours? I have done _everything_ for you, Dean. At least grant me the courtesy of deciding what I want for myself."

Dean shakily nodded. The hard lines of rage in Cas' face finally smoothed over and he gazed at Dean with much more sympathy and tenderness.

"Tell me that you don't want this, Dean. Tell me and I will back off and accept that we are just friends. But if you do want this, then accept that I love you and that you do deserve to be happy. You have sacrificed so much for everybody else, Dean. Why can't you allow yourself this same happiness?"

Dean's insides turned to icy lava at the 'L-word'. Gaping, he attempted to protest for the final time, to tell Cas that this couldn't happen and he couldn't put the angel through the pain of dealing with his crap. But what came out was totally different.

"Please…please, Cas…"

With those words, Cas gripped Dean by the hair, pulled his head back and kissed him again. Between Cas yanking his hair and attacking his lips, Dean was going absolutely crazy and he had to grab the lapels of Cas' trench coat and shove him into the other wall to release more steam or else he was probably quite literally going to die.

"Damn you, Cas," he muttered, peppering Cas' face with kisses. "You drive me freaking crazy. You trying to push my buttons?"

He loosened Cas' tie and tugged his first few buttons undone so that he could fasten his lips on Cas' collarbone. Cas groaned loudly when Dean bit down.

"Y'know," Dean said, digging his fingers into Cas' sides, "we should really go to my room and have hot, angry sex."

Cas made a strange noise and pulled Dean's hair even harder, which only served to drive Dean madder.

"I agree. Take me to bed this instant, Dean."

Detaching himself from Cas' chest, Dean grabbed Cas by the wrist and quickly led him in the direction of his room.

' _Thank you, Urban Dictionary!'_

END

 _Extra:_

"I don't understand!" Sam bawled drunkenly. "'Smug smile' and 'intense stare into far distance'? 'A self-absorbed hypocrite'? 'A species of moose'? What did I ever do to these people?"

Charlie patted his arm sympathetically, her lips twitching.

"And Dean gets 'Good looking, funny and sexy'! Look at this example! Someone defends me and says that I'm hot too and the 'sensible person' shuts them up! The same person who called me a self-absorbed hypocrite wrote this one!"

Sam chugged his beer.

"It's okay, Sam," Charlie said soothingly. "We all know that you're just as awesome as Dean. And we all know that you don't really have girl hair."

" _Girl hair_? Who said that? I'll show these – these bitches that they shouldn't mess with Sam Winchester the Moose!"

"Yes! Right there, Cas!" Dean's voice echoed from somewhere in the bunker that was definitely _not_ his room, since the rooms were soundproofed. "Keep – ugh, harder!"

"Of course Dean's a bottom," Sam nodded sagely. "It's very obvious in the way he acts so macho and tough. I've known that he was just overcompensating for years. And how he walks in that bow-legged way of his? Well, that was just asking for a penis up the –"

"CAAAASSSSSSS!"

Charlie wondered if it was too late to go find Dick Roman in Purgatory and offer herself up as the main course.


End file.
